I clutched onto the ground for like I'm grabbing hold of my own life, squirming and writhing. It's just a bad dream. It's just a bad dream. I hear the words echo in my mind, but the voice is foreign.
Where are you? Come out now or you're grounded!
Hey, watch this, sis!
What are you doing, Jim? This isn't funny, okay?
Stop it! Stop doing that!
I am lying with on my stomach, fists clenched around blades of grass. They are sharp but not potent; green but not glaring; and ordinary but somehow they glow lightly in the sun, full of life. The grass has never looked this way to me before, and something about that makes me happy.
The surroundings seem familiar, but I can't seem to put a name or memory on them. I am in the middle of a backyard. Summer is in the air and floats, surfboards and deck chairs sit on the sides of the yard against a white fence, wet sand still hanging from them. Two tall trees stand at the two corners of the yard further from the house, shading part of the yard from the summer heat. I keep a small smile to myself, thinking about how happy the family that lived here must have been - taking in the beach, the waves and the summer.
The sun is bright in the sky, but the heat isn't intense - it's soothing in a way that still reassures you of the season.
"Hello. You're finally here."
I look up to see a petite blonde who looks slightly younger than me. Her face is gentle and her hair is short and neat. She looks like the kind of person who would always smiling slightly even when they were neutral. Her face glows slightly, like everything I've seen around here, and she gives me a warm smile. "I'm Alyssa, your guide."
I stare at her, perplexed. She looks so familiar, but as with everything here, I couldn't put a name to her. "My...guide." I echoed. "For what? And, I'm sorry, but you look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?"
She shakes her head. "You used to know me," she answers cryptically, but I keep silent, waiting for an elaboration. Then she attempts to grin, looking wistful, recounting fond memories. "We used to be neighbours, before you moved. We were quite close friends, too, you and I."
"Why did I move?" I couldn't seem to remember. My memories were flashes of blurred images.
"You're not meant to remember your previous life. Come, follow me." She beckons for me to follow her, and leads me out of the yard. "I'll show you around, and explain more."
We walk along the quiet road. There is no buzzing of people or honking of cars. It is quiet, but a peaceful quiet, like a a fishing trip on a peaceful lake. Alyssa walks beside me, staring ahead for a while, before she turns to me and speaks. "Do you know that you're dead?"
"Now that you tell me, yes. It seemed like a logical theory. Everything was too peaceful."
"Was there much conflict in your life?" She asks, half-curious and half to counter me.
"Don't you watch us from up in Heaven?" I tease. "Where are we, anyway? The bridge between Earth and Heaven?"
She stops walking, and her hand drifts up to present the site in front of us - a mix of road and trees and suburban houses. "This is it. This is Heaven."
"Oh," I hear myself say, sounding a bit too disappointed. "I mean, it wasn't really what I expected. A suburban neighbourhood and everything."
We continue walking. "It isn't just an endless suburban neighbourhood, you know," she tells me. "Heaven is meant to replicate Earth. When you build a house down there, a house appear up here."
"And when a tree is cut down on Earth, it disappears up here as well?"
She smiles sadly. "I suppose so, yes."
I frowned. "But...why? Isn't Heaven supposed to be magical, built on puffy white clouds with angels flying around? What's the point of making a replica of Earth?"
"It's for humans like us. Once we die, we're brought here. We live, so to speak, the rest of our eternal lives here. Heaven was built in this way for two purposes - we aren't meant to remember much of our past lives, but this version of Heaven keeps the familiarity of it as we form and lead new ones. It's also meant to let humans appreciate the beauty of the Earth that they never got to while on Earth itself. 80+ years on average is quite short, you know. Too short to see all life has to offer."
Alyssa was a very straightforward person - I'd learnt that from talking to her. But I still couldn't remember who she was. Didn't Heaven make her this straightforward person, or had she been one all along?
The entire concept of giving us a second chance to appreciate the wonder and beauty of our Earth seemed to stick better than puffy white clouds and angel friends. I kept asking questions, and Alyssa never failed to find an answer to all of them, even though she couldn't have been here that long.
"What about factories that pollute the Earth? Do we see those?"
"Of course, of course. It's a replica. But we see them sort of like a faded, old photo - it's there, but it doesn't have the same impact as the actual one would. It's just there because it is. There's something magical in everything here, and as you lead your life you'll find out what I mean."
We got to the end of what seemed like a never ending road, and Alyssa led me into a park. The path we took was shady and distantly familiar, and my heart began to ache. "Does that mean I won't remember people from my past life?"
"It depends, really. Whether you remember or not. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you're not meant to."
"So I can't make friends up here in Heaven, I take it?"
She smiled. "After death, you're reborn into eternal life. This is different. We're alive, but back on Earth we're considered dead. In fact, we're more alive than ever. We can't die anymore. We can't be killed anymore." Something about how she said that last sentence made me wonder if it was somehow relevant to her.
"But with eternal life, we don't need to fully feel all humn emotion. We're wanderers on this version of Earth now. You'll meet people along the way, like me. You'll explore, find the beauty on this Earth. Maybe if you'r lucky, you'll meet dead people who were famous on Earth, and talk to them. Be-friend them. But ultimately this journey in eternal life is to explore. Explore this Earth. You'll start to appreciate its beauty soon enough. For people who died too young in life, say you and me, we just might find our purpose without remembering our Earth lives." Alyssa stops to kneel down on her knees, and takes a flower from the bush between two of her fingers, bringing it to her nose and taking a quick whiff. She smiles wistfully.
"This life has so much for you to find," she finally tells me, looking up to look me in the eye. "You just have to look."
The tour has come to an end, and it's time for questions. She looks at me expectantly, but remembers something, and her expression changes. "I'll tell you straight, because I know you're wondering. Who I am, I mean. Alyssa Pencin was my name on Earth. Yours was Emily Roth, if you didn't remember. Sometimes you'll get short glimpses of your past life, and you remember. There's a library where all your memories are stored, for those who can find it. It's not encouraged."
She makes a guilty face. "I'm going off-topic, aren't I? Anyway, we used to go to school together, along with being neighbours. Your brothers were friends with mine. One year, I don't remember which, your family moved to another town. I can't remember which, either. That's the most I know about you. Less than a year after that, my house was invaded by burglars. They knocked out my mom and dad, and I was foolish. I screamed and threatened to escape and call the police. They went mad with my screaming. I ran - hid in my parents' closet, scared for life. They found me there...and they killed me to silence me." She manages a smile. "Moral of the story: it's not wise to anger burglars."
"I don't feel bad for myself though. I feel worse for my parents, thinking that their daughter is dead. But that was only the beginning of all this."
"How did you find out? Did it all come back to you or something?"
She turns away from me and stares deep into the greenery. "I've been here for a while, Emily. Five years, actually. I've done my fair bit of exploring. Sometimes things come back to you out of nowhere even though you didn't want them to. Everything is just a distant memory now, anyway."
I take a step towards her, venturing into an unknown area. I wasn't even sure of myself. "Alyssa...do you know how I died?"
She doesn't answer for a while, and there's a long silence between us. She turns to face me again, and sighs.
And I see it in her guilty expression.
She knows. She saw. She saw how I died.
"Alyssa...why can't you tell me?" I cry in desperation. "I want to know! I'm so unsure of everything! I need something to hold on to from my past life, okay? Please. Tell me."
"I can't!" She argues, the guilty expression never leaving her face. "It's not for me to tell you. I don't want to regret letting you back in this. Death is death. We don't look back on our past here." She shakes her head slowly, staring at me.
And then I see something in her eyes.
Waves. Big waves. A storm brewing overhead.
Come out right now, Jim! You too, Emily! It's dangerous out there!
I step back, utterly confused. The flashback hit me like a slap to my face. I could feel my past life. It was so close. It was so close. If I just reached out, maybe- Maybe-
Nyah nyah! You can't find us! Quick, take this. It'll help you breathe underwater. Now she'll never find us!
I don't know, Jim. I think we should go back. The storm's coming and everyone else has gotten out of the lake.
The voices were so familiar - one teenage male, one teenage female and one middle-age lady. I knew these people. The voices seemed to be coming from outside my head, but Alyssa looked at me helplessly as I broke down in front of her. She couldn't hear them. Why couldn't she hear them?
Don't make me call your father. Be good like Jack and come out. It's dangerous out there! You're teenagers, not little kids!
Ooh, does Emily have no sense of adventure? Cluck, cluck, chicken! Come on. Let's see who can last the longest underwater.
Jim, please. Stop being- JIM! Watch out, Jim! The wave! Get out! Get out now!
Kids! I can't see you anymore! The waves are getting bigger! Please, please, just come back.
Jim! Jim, where are you? Please don't scare me like that...Jim! Jim! ...oh, no. Oh my G- JIM!
I stare at Alyssa, wide-eyed. She had seen it all. She'd seen Jim died. She'd seen me die. I wanted to scream, shout at her, find my brother, go back to my family...but suddenly everything just felt like I was watching a boring science clip in school. I'd been sucked into my death, and I'd been kicked out. I couldn't feel the trauma I rightfully felt.
Alyssa nodded her head, understanding the process. "It's supposed to numb the pain. You don't forget the way, but you forget the pain. It helps you to move forward instead of being stuck on the past." My jaw stays slackened, but I know she's right. This is the afterlife. It's a rebirth for me, sort of.
"This is goodbye for now, Emily. It's your life to lead." She hands me a fragrant flower. "Here's a start for you. It'll all come naturally to you eventually."
She smiles her pleasant smile at me one last time, and turns away, following the path into the park. And in a matter seconds, she's vanished.
I look down at the flower - it's a white magnolia.
It was the same flower Jack had given Alyssa back when we were ten.
Maybe I'll end up remembering more of my life than I expected. But until then, Heaven was mine to explore. And really, how many others could claim that?
